


I'm sorry

by BlazingNerz



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Death, Guilt, M/M, Mental Illness, Remorse, Slight fluff, Violence, disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:34:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingNerz/pseuds/BlazingNerz
Summary: Atsumu didn’t really know  when it all started, he just knew he was different. The urges-- They drove him. And did the same for his friends as well. Red, that’s what they would see when they snap, the sound around them would disappear and the background around them faded until their target is the only object clear in their line of sight. The urge grows and grows, their anxiety grows until it is unbearable. Their palms would itch, eyes would twitch and could barely process a thought, they have to do something about it.So they do.Atsumu knew that him and his friends weren’t normal, but he didn’t question it. They had a system and it worked, now if only their damn partners would get off their backs.-------------Aka Atsumu and his friends just try to live normal lives while suffering with a mental illness that urges them to kill
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, Terushima Yuuji/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	I'm sorry

“God fucking damn it, this thing is heavy…” With an annoyed huff, the male adjusted the object he was carrying. It was nearly two AM and the streets stayed deserted, a lone car passing by in a blur every moment or so. Street lights flickered and buzzed, indicating they needed to be replaced. The noise and faint sound of talking from late night bars filled the air as the male turned a corner, humming lightly as he stopped to look at the sign of the bar. A sign made of low-dimmed lights titled, **_‘Hinatas’_ ** stared back at him. 

So the little shrimp ended up opening his place after all huh? Not bad.

And with that, the male continued to walk, slightly speeding up his step as he heard the opening of a door not too far behind him.

“Atsumu?”

The male in question froze, a large bag thrown over his shoulder as he slowly turned around. His eyes spared a glance to whoever had called him and with a sigh of relief, a grin etched itself on his face. 

“Ah, Iwaizumi."

* * *

Atsumu didn’t really know when it all started, he just knew he was different. The urges-- They drove him. And did the same for his friends as well. Red, that’s what they would see when they snap, the sound around them would disappear and the background around them faded until their target is the only object clear in their line of sight. The urge grows and grows, their anxiety grows until it is unbearable. Their palms would itch, eyes would twitch and could barely process a thought, they have to do something about it.

So they do.

Atsumu knew that him and his friends weren’t normal, but he didn’t question it. They had a system and it worked, now if only their damn partners would get off their backs.

* * *

The two-toned hair color male yawned, waking up under a bundle of sheets, his arms around the person in front of him who was still fast asleep. Two beauty marks stood out and the twin allowed himself to smile.

Sakusa had questioned him when he got home, asked him why he was out so late without so much as a call or text. He would always use the same excuse.

“Kiyoomi, babe listen to me, please.” The black and blonde hair male would say, sitting on the edge of the couch and looking at his angry husband above him.

Kind of a turn on but you know, Atsumu wasn’t in any position to act on that at that time.

Atsumu was dressed in light beige dress pants along with a button down white shirt, the sleeves being cuffed up to his elbows. The male worked under Semi Investigation Corp, a well-known company that dealt with crime, jobs ranging from forensic teams to visit the scene of a crime, to pathologists who performed the autopsies of victims. Atsumu worked in the company as a private investigator, keen eye and ability to think of scenarios quickly making him a great pick for the job. 

“I was held for overtime, Omi-kun. The family who hired me wanted me to conduct an investigation at a second location, it took longer than expected. You know me, If I could have contacted you and told you I would have, but you know how the job is.” He states before mimicking a female voice, “Miya I want you to check this area thoroughly, understand? I don’t want one inch of this place left unsearched!”

He let the act go, voice returning to his normal deep composure, “They should know I’m not new to this department. If I say there’s no clues. There’s no clues.”

Sakusa cracked a smile. Bingo.

Atsumu grinned at the memory, leaning forward to place a peck on beauty marks of his partner, before slowly untangling himself from the blanket. Sakusa whined unconsciously at the absence of the heat and curled in on himself leaving Atsumu to chuckle quietly. The older of the two stood from the bed, stretching one arm up in the air while he braced his other arm’s hand on the forearm, his sleep shirt rising a bit revealing his toned build.

“If my reward for waking up earlier than normal is this, I might be able to get used to it..” A tired voice spoke, brown eyes met black and Sakusa gave a tired half smile.

Tired Sakusa was always adorable.

“Oh, I’m sorry Omi-kun, did I wake you?” Atsumu’s eyes followed his husband as the younger slowly sat up, moving his neck from side to side before rubbing at his eyes.

“No.. No I should have been up by now honestly, but I was too busy worrying about a certain someone.” His glare turned on the male, Atsumu grinned sheepishly.

“Aw, Omi-kun you care about me?”

“Shut up.”

* * *

“Iwaaaa-chan,” Oikawa’s voice rang out, his teasing was heard by said male before Oikawa appeared in the hallway.

Iwaizumi glanced at his boyfriend from his spot on the couch, legs crossed and resting on top of the arm of the sofa while his head laid upon the pillows. The darker-skinned male let go of his phone, letting it fall on his chest with a small noise before he spoke.

“What do you want, Tooru?” His word choice sounded harsh, but the light hearted tone of his voice gave him away.His boyfriend in question walked over before flipping himself onto his partner, resulting in a yelp of shock followed by an annoyed scowl on Hajime’s face. Oikawa smirked, pecking the male’s lips and resting his head comfortably on his chest. 

“You left me alone, It’s cold in the bed by myself.”

“Tooru, It’s the middle of the afternoon. You’re the only one that wants to stay in bed all day.” Iwaizumi shifted under Oikawa, freeing his left arm which had become trapped under the male. With practiced ease, he laid his hand on top of Oikawa’s head, drawing small patterns in his hair and massaging his scalp. Oikawa hummed with a small grin on his face and Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, using his free hand to pick up his forgotten device.

“Hajime?” Tooru mumbled, right hand clinging onto Iwaizumi’s shirt lightly, already beginning to feel drowsy once again. 

“Yeah?” Iwaizumi responded, continuing both his action on his phone and in his boyfriend’s hair.

“I love you.” Iwazumis motions stopped before the hand in Oikawa’s hair fell further down his body to hold his side, the brown-hair male smiled at the extra warmth.

“I love you too.” Oikawa hummed again and he yawned, Iwaizumi’s body heat lulling him to sleep before the faint echo of an alarm blared, he groaned. Iwaizumi laughed at the reaction, 

“Shouldn't you get that?”

“And have to talk to someone? I'm perfectly content here.”

“Shittykawa.” Oikawa’s eyebrows furrowed and he pouted as he lifted his head to look at the male, “Go get your phone, what if it's an emergency?”

Ugh, count on Hajime to be logical.

With an annoyed and frustrated groan, Oikawa pushed himself up. Iwaizumi’s hand fell from its place on his side in order to allow him to get up, The glasses wearing male shuffled from the living room and to the bedroom, before returning to his living room as he answered the phone.

“Tooru.” Oikawa spoke, hand akimbo and mouth in a small, annoyed frown. Before moving over and handing the phone to Iwaizumi, "It's for you."

The male spared a glance at the caller ID before bringing it up to his ear, "Still calling my boyfriend to reach me, huh?" There was a smirk on his face. 

_"Yeahhh, guess I never really picked up the time to get your number eh, Haijme?"_ Bokuto's voice filled with laughter filled the other end of the line. Iwaizumi could imagine the gray-hair male just didn't want to admit that he was too forgetful and kept forgetting to ask. 

"Did you want something?"

 _"Ah yeah.. Tooru still around?"_ Iwaizumi looked over at his boyfriend who was standing up and mindlessly flipping through the tv channels, controller in hand.

"Yeah, give me a bit." Iwaizumi sat up before standing fully and walking to the bedroom, closing the door and locking it with a _'click'._ The shorter male leaned against the door with a foot propped up, free arm crossed on his chest as he lifted the device back up to his ear.

"What's up?" 

_"We need you to come down to the building, Atsumu had an incident last night an-"_

"Ah I know. I saw him last night on a walk, when do you need me down?"

 _"Uhh,"_ A pause, _"An hour?"_

Iwaizumi looked up at the clock before sighing, "Alright, I'll be there."

As Iwaizumi hung up and made his way back to the living room, Oikawa looked at him with a questioning look, eyebrow raised.

"New body came in, Semi wants the cause classified as fast as possible." 

"You're not the only one that can perform an autopsy, why doesn't he just ask someone else?" Oikawa was both right and wrong at the same time, but that was a story for a different day.

"It's my job. If he wants me, I've got to go in." A frown, "Look, when I get home later I'll take you out for dinner, how's that sound?"

Oikawa grinned, "Sounds like a date."

* * *

Iwaizumi's car pulled out from the underground parking, brown fingers drumming a beat on the wheel as he drove. He blindly messed with the radio's nob until a quiet, calm jazz station played. Rain pattered on the windshield of his car, causing Iwaizumi to let out a noise of annoyance as he flipped the switch to the left of his wheel, watching as the windshield wipers came to life. 

It wasn't terribly late, about 4pm but to Iwaizumi, on a day that was specifically supposed to be his off day; this was pure hell.

“You owe me, Koutarou..” The male mumbled to himself as he drove, eyes locked on the road in front of him. Iwaizumi prided himself with his work, he was known and did his job damn well. 

It was only a very beneficial coincidence that the job also proved cover-ups for his friends and himself. 

Switching lanes, the male pulled into the parking structure of his job, taking his reserved parking spot with ease and stepping out of the car. Iwaizumi patted his pockets before finding his keys and locking the doors to his vehicle before looking around with a slightly pleased hum, "Guess everyone's here today."

The first thing that greeted him as he walked inside was the friendly face of one Bokuto Kotarou. Kotarou was another Private Investigator for the company, but also doubled as Semi's body guard when needed. 

"Now, remind me why we couldn't have just left the body in the hiding spot Atsumu put them?" Iwaizumi took off his black coat, laying it against an empty chair. The only ones currently in the room were him and his friends; Semi probably set it up.

"Because we got a call in for it. Match the description perfectly and Atsumu panicked, so, here we are." An annoyed huff spoke and Iwaizumi spared a glance to his right, a blonde sat on top of his own desk and Iwaizumi let out a slight chuckle.

"First of all, Kei." Atsumu had walked in from a different room, "I did not panic, I merely took a precaution."

"By making Semi round us up at 4PM on a Sunday?"

"Precisely." Atsumu gave a shit eating grin and Kei rolled his eyes, how Sakusa dealt with the blonde and black hair male was beyond Iwaizumi. 

"Anyways, what your job isn't that hard. Just hack some files to frame someone else right? Easy." Atsumu snapped and walked to a desk, pulling out the chair before taking a seat and placing his feet on top of the desk it belonged to. "Poor Iwaizumi probably has the toughest job, having to examine, and fake some believable excuses for the cause of death."

It was Iwaizumi's turn to scoff and roll his eyes. He crossed his arms before he spoke.

"And what's the actual cause of death, Atsumu?"

"Mm. Stabbed a bit. Maybe more than a bit," Iwaizumi fixed him with a hard stare. "What? He was annoying the hell out of me, he deserved it." Iwaizumi face palmed.

"Don't try to act all tough, Atsumu, we all know you were probably scared to hell when you started to snap." The main doors to the building's hallway opened and there stood Semi, hand cocked on his hip and looking at Atsumu with a raised brow. The male gulped and waved his hand dismissively.

"Details, Details. I honestly don't see the need to go that far into them."

"Where's Yuuji? He's the only one not here. Everyone that was contacted needs to be here in order to prevent word of this from spreading." Semi grumbled out, scanning his eyes over the crowd of males before him before the front doors to the building slammed open and there walked Terushima. "You're late."

"Sorry.. Sorry, do you know how hard it is to get away from a horny Tadashi?" 

Tsukishima grimaced at the use of his best friend's name, "I don't. And I hope I never will. I honestly never even wanted to hear his name in a sentence like that."

Terushima shut the doors behind him before smoothing out his hair and giving Kei a grin. "Too late buddy boy."

"Gross. And don't call me that."

"Dino lover."

"Fuck off." 

"Honestly, as much as I like seeing blondie get riled up, can we get this going? I'd like to be home before midnight." Atsumu yawned.

"Miya, you're the one that caused us to all be here. So if you could kindly shut the fuck up, that would be appreciated." Semi breathed out, shaking his head.

"Aw, last names now? I feel special." 

"You're right. Special ED seems to fit you." Tsukishima's voice interrupted as the blonde smirked at an annoyed looking Atsumu.

"I will fire you two right now at this instant if you don't stop with the arguing. Do you understand me?" Semi was annoyed, frustrated and exhausted at this point. Atsumu and Tsukishima shared glances before nodding. 

"Yes sir."

"Good. Now if we could PLEASE start. Hajime, the body is downstairs. Yuuji, help Hajime with whatever he needs. Atsumu, you're with Kotarou to make sure nobody comes into the area. And Kei, you know your job." 

"Well, here goes nothing." Kei mumbled before turning around to have the computer on his desk.

* * *

Terushima wiped his hands clean of blood before he had left the building after a job well done, Atsumu must have snapped hard though he figured. He had never seen that many stab wounds on a person before; well, except for crimes of passion. He was an undercover cop after all so scenes like that weren't uncommon, but this was a stranger he was talking about. Though, he knew how it felt, he couldn't judge.

"Stabbed a bit my ass…" The male mumbled to himself as he brought the keys to his apartment up to the lock, inserting them and turning before hearing the usual 'click' and opening it.

"Hey Tadashi! Babe, I'm back!" Terushima stole a look at his watch and grimaced, 9 o'clock. Well hey--at least it wasn't midnight. 

The male waited a moment, but after receiving no response, he frowned. 

"Tada?" He took off his shoes, tossing them aside on the brown rug to his side before venturing further into the decent-sized home. The male entered the living room, spotting the green tuft of hair that belonged to his fiancé peeking up from his position on the couch. He tilted his head in confusion.

Surely Yamaguchi had heard him, no?

"Babe, you alright?" Terushima made his way to the couch, leaning over the back to place a kiss on top of Yamaguchi's hair before circling to the front.He was met with a pouting Yamaguchi, pillow held to his chest as he used the remote to turn the channels of the tv.

"I'm fine Yuuji."

"You sure? You seem.. mad?" Terushima started, he was pushing it. He knew that, but still it wasn't his fault he had to go before their fun started. 

"Not mad. A little annoyed though? Yes."

Terushima sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew it, this wasn't the first time either. 

"Babe, I was called in for work. If I didn't go in I could have risked being fired, you know this." 

"It was your day off. You could've argued it a little bit at least. Have Semi bring someone else in." 

"You know Ei-... Semi, isn't like that you know that. He's all business."

The male on the couch shifted, eyes looking up to meet Terushimas.

"Okay, I do understand that. I'm only a little annoyed by that-"

"Tadash-"

"Let me finish." The male stood up, causing Terushima to have to look up at the taller male. He wasn't the same shy teenager from before, that,Terushima was sure of.

"You NEVER let me know what's wrong. Or when you're going to be coming home. Most times you just leave with a simple 'I'll be back'." There were tears forming in the corner of Yamaguchi's fury filled eyes. "What am I supposed to think about that? How do I even know you're at your job and not just with another person or something, Yuuji."

Terushima frowned.

"Tadashi you know I would never cheat on you."

"Do I?" Shit, that hurt. 

The shorter male let out a sigh, looking to his side before looking back at Tadashi. He felt his own anger build slightly, but forced the feeling down.

"Tadashi, listen to me okay? I'm sorry that I don't tell you things, but in my field of work. I'm not allowed to-"

"Bullshit, I talk to Akaashi, alot. And Bokuto tells him everything." 

Terushima rolled his eyes. He wondered what Kotarou's definition of 'everything' was. 

"Well, Kotarou is breaking protocol then." He simply stated, "We're not supposed to let our any information-"

"Akaashi is his husband! I'm your fiancé! I'm not just some stranger that stays with you, Yuuji. Bokuto tells Akaashi things because he cares for him, doesn't want him to worry when all of a sudden he has to leave at 4PM on a Sunday for no reason. He tells him the reason! Unlike you, you just leave me in the dark. You leave me in the dark and I stay up for hours, wondering where the hell you are when it's 3 AM and you're still not home."

"I-"

"I just want you to tell me one thing, Yuuji."

Terushima blinked.

"Yes?"

"Are you cheating on me?"

"What? No, of course not!" The duo-colored hair male's eyes were wide with shock, "You know me better than that!"

"Then what the hell are you doing, Terushima?!" Last names now, fuck. "Why do you always leave me?! "

And Terushima could feel the familiar itch in his palms, the world around him slightly spinning as he closed his eyes and formed his hands into fists.

He couldn't lose control. Not near Yamaguchi.

"Why Yuuji.." Terushima opened his eyes at his name, the scene in front of him was slightly blurred. "Why can't you be honest with me for once in your life?"

He wasn't doing this, not now.

"I don't know what you mean, Tadashi."

The green-hair male threw his hands up in frustration and annoyance before stomping off to the twos shared bedroom, door shutting with a loud slam that echoed off the apartment's walls

Terushima stared at the hallway Yamaguchi disappeared down, before sitting on the couch and cradling his head in his hands, willing the urge to go away.

* * *

Days had passed since Atsumu's incident, the small group of friends having successfully pinned the killing on a male, Ukiwa Yuken, 35 years of age, tall, well built, anger issues, the perfect frame for a murder caused by multiple stab wounds with no prior encouragement. Along with the fact that the male had been charged for previous first-degree murders, it was an easy success. Bokuto was even able to track the male down, and collect DNA samples to place on the body for a more convincing argument.

And as Semi walked into the lobby area with Bokuto after calling a meeting for the other four males, his brows furrowed when he saw one missing.

"Where's Yuuji?"

"He never came in today." Came the answer from Iwaizumi, Bokuto locked the door once he and Semi were inside before leaning against the wood. 

"So… What do we do about that?" Bokuto spoke, Semi tilted his head before gesturing a hand at the gray-haired male.

"Call him."

"No answer." Bokuto states after several moments, pocketing his device back into his pocket and causing Semi to roll his eyes.

"That's coming out of his paycheck." Semi grumbled, Kei chuckled. 

"Well, I called everyone here to inform you all that Ukiwa was arrested last night, tried, and given 15 years in jail. So Atsumu, you're off the hook. Once again."

"Was there ever any doubt?"

"Sometimes I question why I even accommodate this for you all."

"Simple. Because you struggle with this just like the rest of us, if anyone found out this illness, or disorder whatever you want to call it, that we all share. We'd be locked up in an asylum, experimented on, you don't want that do you?" Kei responded with a raised eyebrow and Semi's eye twitched before he let out a breath of air.

"...Right."

“And the fact that we all keep each other from hurting people we care about.”

“You can be quiet now, Kei.”

“Just pointing out the obvious.”

“Moving on from that,” Semi started again, shooting a glare at Tsukishima. The gray-hair male tugged at the collar of his shirt, “We need to do the usual, Atsumu, you’ll be given one week vacation time starting today, just for a precaution until the final details are finalized.”

“Hell yeah.”

“You don’t get paid for this week, you do know that right?” Iwaizumi looked over at Atsumu with a raised brow, Semi sighed, he had experienced this enough times to know the drill, so why the hell was he so happy?

“Yeah I get that _Hajime_.” The way Atsumu sang Iwaizumi’s name made Iwaizumi scowl. What an annoyance.

“But, when I’m around Omi-kun, I’m totally calm. Plus I’ve got enough money in savings to last me years with no job, I’ll be fine. A whole week with my husband? Couldn’t dream of anything more perfect.”

“Gross.” Kei scoffed, Atsumu growled and Semi groaned. His choice of friends was an interesting group, slightly forced because of the situation they shared, but not totally unbearable.

But at this moment he really just wanted to slap the blonde’s in the room.

“Dismissed.” Semi simply stated, waving a hand around before walking out, door closing behind him.

A very interesting group indeed. 

* * *

“Kenjirou?” Semi’s voice broke the quietness of the house he entered, a quick scan of his surroundings told him that Shirabu wasn’t in the living room or nearby kitchen. He tilted his head before walking further inside and down the long, wide hallway, stopping at one of the various doors and walking through it. There he saw the sleeping form of his boyfriend under the covers, he smiled. 

He took off his coat, quietly laying it on the bare dresser beside him and soon took off his shoes. With quiet steps, the male made his way over to his partner, leaning down and kissing the crown of his head. A small smile showed on his lips as he saw him shuffle. 

“Hey Ken… Did I wake you?” He rubbed the males back gently as the other sat up, Shirabu rubbed at his eyes with a yawn.

“Yeah, what did you expect, you walk with all the grace of a tank.”

Semi gave a chuckle and continued to rub the male’s back gently before pulling his hand away and settling it in his own lap, he leaned over and pecked Shirabu’s lips.

“You’re home early… What happened?” The younger fixed Semi with a suspicious glare, making Semi hold up his hands in surrender.

“I felt like it,” He shrugged after lowering his hands, “I’m the owner, boss, whatever. I can leave when I want.”

“Yeah, I know that but I doubt you would trust Ratsumu there alone without you to stop him.”

Semi laughed at the nickname, Shirabu absolutely despised the other, but he didn’t blame him. Atsumu had a personality you either loved or hated.

Semi found himself on different sides on different days. 

Semi stretched before he felt a weight in his lap, he looked down to see Shirabu laying back down in an angle that would allow him to comfortably rest himself in Semi’s lap.

“Seriously?” Semi cocked a brow, a tired smirk came from Shirabu as he nuzzled into his lap.

“Seriously.”

“Spoiled brat.”

“Only for you.” Semi chuckled at that and ran his hands through his partners hair, humming lightly as he adjusted himself to sit with his back against the beds headboard. Shirabu followed him.

“What do you want to do later today? It’s still early..” A glance at the clock told Semi it was just past 12:00PM. He looked back at Shirabu to see his eyes closed.

“I don’t know, I’m also too tired to think..” The younger yawned and kept his eyes closed, Semi let out a fond sigh.

“You drive me insane, you know that?”

“That sounds like a successful mission to me.” Shirabu blindly reached out his hand from the covers, finding Semi’s and interlacing their fingers before he yawned again. “Now shut up so I can go back to sleep.”

Semi smiled and leaned his head back, closing his eyes and letting sleep overtake him as well.

It wasn’t until the blaring of a ringer woke him up. The male’s eyes opening slowly, vision hazy as he looked around. Shirabu was gone, a slight panic settled into him but before he could react to it, he heard the flush of a toilet and splash of water hitting marble and he sighed in relief.

“Paranoid ass..” He mumbled to himself, trying to ignore the ringing and smiling when it finally stopped. The gray-haired male closed his eyes, only for them to snap back open as his device once again started to ring.

“Who the hell..” He snatched the device off of the dresser next to him, looking at the caller ID with a frown. What the hell did he want?

“Yuuji-?”

 _“Eita, I messed up.”_ The voice from the other side of the line came out quiet and rushed, Semi could hear the heavy breathing and could picture the state Terushima was in right now.

“Yuuji, calm down..” Semi said it slowly, moving to sit on the edge of the bed and glancing at the still locked bathroom door before continuing, “What happened?”

_“I didn’t mean to do it Eita, I didn’t mean to do it, fuck I messed up. I messed up so fucking bad, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do…”_

Semi waited for the male to pause before speaking again, but his voice disappeared as he heard Terushimas sobs start and his eyes widened. He was panicking, yes he knew that. But never before did the gray-hair male hear his friend this bad. 

_“I couldn’t control it, no matter how fucking hard I tried I couldn’t control it.. I hate this shit, why me? Why now, I-I didn’t..”_

“Terushima, listen to me.” Semi spoke, voice firm. He had to get to him. A sniffle was his encouragement to continue.

“Atsumu, Kotarou, and Hajime are still at the office, I’m going to have them come over to your house. I’m going to be over there as soon as I can, okay?” If Semi’s gut instinct was right, there was no way in hell he was telling Tsukishima about this.

_“O-Okay.. Okay..”_

The line hung up, Semi letting out an audible curse as he stood, looking for his coat again. He had only slept a few hours, with the time currently being 3PM, everyone should have still been lounging around the building, which was not too far from Terushima’s apartment. It would also help them avoid any suspicion from their partners who thought they were still at work.

His eyes shot over to Shirabu as the bathroom door opened, the male walking out in a pair of sweatpants and Semi’s oversized white t-shirt. The light-brown hair male rubbed a towel against his soaked hair, eyes locking with Semi’s.

“What’s wrong with you? You looked like you just saw a ghost.”

Semi thought out his next words carefully, shifting so that one leg was crossed and his right foot was resting on top of his left knee.

“One of my workers said something to Kei, I’m pretty sure he was drinking on the job, fucking idiot.. Anyways, you know Kei, little to no patience and…”

“He beat his ass?”

“Precisely.” Shirabu let out a quiet laugh, a glint in his eyes.

“I knew I always liked him for some reason,” He sat near his boyfriend, “So, I’m guessing you have to go back and clear it all up?” Semi nodded.

“I’m sorry, I really am, I thought we’d be able to do something today-” He stopped when he felt Shirabu’s lips on his. They were warm, and still slightly wet from the shower. He smiled into the kiss and let his hands rest on the younger male’s waist.

“You talk too much honestly,” Shirabu pulled away with a small grin and a faint blush, “I get it, go run your company. If you start to lose your employees' respect or something because of me, I will personally kick your ass.”

Semi smiled again, pulling Shirabu back into another kiss.

“Yes sir.”

* * *

The first thing Bokuto hears upon arriving to Terushima’s place is yelling, and lots of it.

It’s not until Bokuto gets closer to his co-workers home that he fully recognizes the voice and his eyes go wide, hurried walk turning into a full-blown sprint as he rounds the corner of the sidewalk.

“What the fuck did you do, Terushima?!!” Kei’s voice boomed and the blonde was furious, Atsumu was doing his best to hold the taller male back but was starting to fail the angrier Kei got.

“Kei, you really can’t go in there right no-”

“Don’t tell me what the fuck to do, Atsumu!” Tsukishima had snatched his body from the two-toned hair color male and was already stalking to the entrance of Terushima’s home. Bokuto, barely having time to think, moved in front of Tsukishima, hands spreaded and blocking his way.

Kei growled, “Get out of my way, Kotarou.” Well hey, at least he was calling him by his first name.

“No can do my friend, I’m sorry.” The private investigator crossed his arms, the experience of being Semi’s body guard coming in handy as he spread his legs to give him ground in case Tsukishima tried to barrel through him.

He didn’t.

Bokuto spared a glance over Tsukishima’s shoulder to look at Atsumu, “What happened?” He asked, but based solely on Tsukishima’s actions, he thought he had a good idea. 

Atsumu shook his head, expression suddenly dropping as he spoke, “Look for yourself.”

“Think you can handle Kei by yourself?”

“I got him.. Go in, Kotarou.” Iwaizumi stepped out the front door of Terushima’s home, hands in his pocket and his facial expression unreadable. Bokuto watched as the shorter male walked up the Tsukishima and pushed the male back, not aggressively, but hard enough to get the taller one to move back a few inches. “You’re not going in there until you calm the fuck down.”

“Oh yeah? Watch me.” Tsukishima spat back, only to fail as both Iwaizumi and Atsumu were in front of him now. The blonde growled and looked away, Bokuto caught Iwazimi’s and the male nodded for the gray-haired male to go ahead.

Making his way inside of the building, he could already make out the subtle crying of Terushima. It must have died down a bit compared to how Semi described it beforehand.

“Yuuji? Buddy where are you..” His voice trailed off as he entered the living room area, Terushima was curled on the ground, hands, pants, shirt were covered in blood. The black and blonde hair male even had a few swatches of the crimson liquid on his face. In his arms was the still form of a body, Bokuto recognized them instantly.

Yamaguchi.

Terushima looked up when a shadow appeared in front of him, eyes puffy and red. He looked broken.

“Kotarou, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it at all… We had been arguing, he’s been on my back ever since we had to help Atsumu last Sunday and, and…” He trailed off again, choking on his own sobs, “I snapped, I felt it coming.. I tried so hard to hold it back, I tried to fucking hard but then everything was gone… black.. Tadashi.. Tadashi’s gone and it’s all my fucking fault.. I loved him, I loved him…” Terushima’s breathing and speed up again and Bokuto hurriedly crouched next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder and making the younger look up to him.

“Yuuji, It’s okay.. I get it, WE get it.”

“Kei is pissed at me.” And Bokuto couldn’t argue that, pissed was the nice word for it.

“Tadashi was his best friend..” He couldn’t get any farther before Terushima spoke again.

“I loved him.”

“I know you loved him Yuuji, all the stories you would tell us.. You adored him.” Terushima’s sob’s turned into harsh coughs, Bokuto rubbed his back, not knowing much else what to say.

Thirty minutes later the sound of a running engine was outside of the home before it cut off, Iwaizumi walked in the home followed by Atusmu, and Tsukishima, who still looked like he would kill Terushima himself if all the other male’s weren’t there, and finally, Semi.

“What happened?” Eita’s voice was the first to speak, looking at Iwaizumi for the male’s input.

“Suffocation,” Kei’s frown deepened, “Along with a few puncture wounds, I’m assuming he tried to put up a fight and Yuuji grabbed that vase,” He pointed to broken pieces of the item on the ground. “Broke it, and used that to stab him.”

Terushima just stayed quiet, holding the corpse flushed against him.

Kei was turned away from the scene, foot tapping the ground and arms crossed in front of him. Bokuto moved to try to calm the other male down, they didn’t need anymore episodes today.

Semi nodded at the words before sparring a lock at Terushima again, eyes softening and mouth frowning. Bokuto knew that look, they were all grieving, but not surprised. They knew that this could always be a risk, no matter how hard they tried to hold the urge back.That’s why Bokuto had been starting to tell Akaashi a little more than he should, about the disorder, about himself. And it worked out well for him, his episodes had been happening less and less, and never had he had one around Akaashi. The black-hair male had gotten him therapy without revealing the true reason for him needing it, instead stating that he had anger issues and needed ways to calm himself.

To say it worked well was an understatement, it was two and a half years since his last attack, and if something made him angry, or even triggered him. He would call Akaashi and the sound of his husband’s voice would soothe him back to his normal self.

 _“Kenji.. When I get mad, I get these urges… urges to hurt people and it’s so hard to handle”_ He remembers his words to his husband exactly, he hadn’t told him that hurting meant murder though.

Not that he could ever tell his friends that, they would probably come up with some shit about him not needing to be in the crew anymore, that he was too good for them, that he broke their trust, that he wasn’t like them anymore. 

And damn if he wasn’t, he knew the struggle, even if it was getting better for him. He knew the fear of not being able to control himself and only getting control after the damage had been done. You couldn’t tell him that he wasn’t like the rest, not when so many times he had woken up to see someone dead and that person’s blood on his own hands. 

Now the murders, Akaashi didn’t know about. Bokuto couldn’t gather the confidence to come out about that part. He held that secret with the males around him, and he’d be damned if he didn’t help them when they needed it.

* * *

Atsumu trailed behind the men as they walked along the cold path. It was well past midnight and all the men had told them that they were working overtime to try and catch Yamaguchi’s murderer, that they had found the green haired male in the ditch in the forest, dead.

He watched how every single one of his friends had their hands in their pockets except for Terushima, who carried Yamaguchi in his arms. The green-hair male had been wrapped in a pale white sheet, the bottom of it already turning red from the blood that still leaked out.

It was horrible, but it was the best they could do for him. 

This was the first time that anyone that they were close to had been hurt by their episodes, before it was always strangers that were annoying them, or someone that was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. They never thought much of it at first, even Atsumu had the weird habit of smiling while burying his victim, almost like he was proud.

But he knew deep down he was scared, he was scared of himself and what he could do. 

Semi had gotten Tsukishima to calm down, he reasoned with the male. He told him to picture it in his own eyes, how he knew personally that once a person snapped, they were gone and they couldn’t help it. Atsumu and others knew that Terushima was distraught, angry at himself, and terrified at the same time. Atsumu could see the slight wobble in Terushima’s step as he walked behind him.

He knew that feeling all too well.

“Here.. Here’s a good spot.” Iwaizumi stopped, they had all walked deep into the forest, Bokuto, Kei and Iwaizumi having brought shovels as they picked a place and started to work. Semi himself had his arms crossed and eyes scanning the surroundings, they were all quiet besides from Terushimas quiet sniffling.

The way that they worked through this process was scarily calm, the men all showed signs of being used to this occurrence, burying a dead body was just another daily job. Atsumu joined Semi in keeping watch.

But even being a private investigator, and working for one of the top crime business’s Tokyo had known, Atsumu couldn’t keep the sickness he felt down each time he thought of the body that was under the white sheet that Terushima held tightly.

Yes, burying a dead body was a daily job. Something that even though it was horrible, the men had learned to turn a blind eye and even joke, no matter how bad it was. But burying the body of a friend, with the knowledge of knowing that nothing you could have done could have stopped it, that it happened because of a disease that you were born with. Something you couldn’t get rid of?

Now that, that hurt like hell.

And as Atsumu watched Terushima crouch down and place the dead body of one, Yamaguchi Tadashi, in the six feet deep hole that the men had made, the two-toned hair color male sent up a silent prayer.

No, his friends and himself couldn’t get rid of this disorder, and yes it would be hard for them to ever live a normal life with the knowledge of what they’ve done and what they were capable of doing. But he prayed, prayed that somehow, someway it would get better, that somehow or someway, he and his friends would learn how to control the urges. Somehow they would be able to chase the red that tainted their vision away.

And with a silent ‘Amen’, Atsumu watched as dirt was thrown on to the opening and Tadashi became one with the earth. When all was done, Terushima stood up with fists clenched and tears staining the dark dirt below him with a final set of words he had been muttering all night.

“I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> Pls help me understand how i made myself sad during my own fic-
> 
> Anyways! Hope you guys like angst cause I surely do like writing it xD. I'll write more fluffy stories soon I promise yall.


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